Perspective please

[hfdcowboy]

I wrestled with asking this i am not one to ask for advice often but i feel kinda stuck on this one. So i know i am new but here we go.

I was at my inlaws a few of months ago "mother in law and her husband my wife's step father". They have a fair amount of family functions at there house my wifes siblings and other family members normally show up so it was a full house. So i know her step father is a big liberal anti-gun type so i don't carry in his house i leave it in the car.

On this functions my brother in law "married to my wife's sister" and i were talking about playing paintball. After a couple of minuutes the father in law called my name and gave me the hand across the next gesture from across the room. At this point i thought we where being loud i was not happy with the gesture but i continued our conversation at a lower volume. At this point he gets up and tells me and the brother he want's to see us outside, we follow him and he starts going off saying "he has known three people that have died from guns and he will not allow guns to even be discussed in his house etc, etc". So with my tounge bleeding i went back inside told my wife to get her stuff and we left.

I decided it is his right to say what he wants in his house and its my right not to go back.

Well here we are months later the mother inlaw and wife have cried, bribed, and everything else to get me to come to these events i finally gave in on the Christmas holiday and the tension was pretty thick. Im not sure how where to go from here i stand on my beliefs but not wanting to be the "jerk" of my wife's family i ask wat would you do?

 

[Mrmonte]

My inlaws are part of the Free Stuff Army. I dont have respect for them or care for them in general. I put up with them because I love my wife who is a world apart from the rest of her family. They live about 20 minutes away and I see them 3 or 4 times a year. I can do that for her.

 

[musicmonkey317]

Do what your wife tells you if you love her - it's her family - avoid the politics if possible. As far as the father-in-law goes - "hate the sin, love the sinner". My wife told me once "I hate the way you choose to be", it was over a funny disagreement, but I appreciated it. She was saying she loves me, even though she disagreed with what I was doing.

 

[Manatee]

Respect the feelings of others and shaddup about guns over at their house. You have the internet and all your other friends.

A happy wife is a happy life.

 

[jkwparrott]

Each situation is different. If you're asking what I would do, I agree with you that it is his right to run his house the way he wants and you have the right to not go there. Personally, I would never darken his doorway again, ever, for any reason. Not because of the gun talk, but because he feels that his opinion is the only one that matters in the world. I don't care for pretentious people.

I know it's not always that easy for everyone, but I'm an a$$ when it comes to things like that.

 

[andski3]

I personally leave my gun in the car when I go to the in-laws. As you say it is their right, and I will abide by it. Family is more important to me then carrying on their property. It was a compromise between us. I know it is there if I need it. But they also know if they are with me anywhere else I am armed. At that point it is up to them to decide whether or not to participate. The area where I can carry is larger then their property. They spend more time with me armed then not.

 

[T.Lex]

You asked.

Not talk about guns in his presence - unless he brings it up. Apparently, that includes paintball, bb, rubber band, water and nerf guns. Maybe ask for clarification whether "gun noises" are allowed?

Maybe have a few joking responses available to divert attention.

In a somewhat different exercise, define what your beliefs are. Do you believe you are entitled to discuss whatever other family members discuss? I'm not saying that's unreasonably - I come from a family where there are basically no "taboo" subjects (which has its good and bad points, too, BTW). But, there are certain family members that we just don't discuss certain subjects with. Not because of any ultimatum, but because of politeness.

If your beliefs are in gun rights, I'm not sure I understand how breaking bread as a family means you are compromising your beliefs.

More than anything, talk to you wife. This is going to sound... girly... but talk about your feelings about how he treated you. You're willing to respect his rules, but he should respect your beliefs, and agree to disagree on the subject. (I think your wife will understand more where you are coming from. Chicks dig emotion stuff.)

Maybe a heart-to-heart with him, too, and tell him straight up that you are willing to abide by his rule, but (man-to-man) you will not compromise your principles on your obligation to protect him and his loved ones. Make it seem like a fair deal.

Like I said - you asked.

 

[eldirector]

So, don't discuss "guns" while visiting. You don't have to like him to be polite.

If he still takes offense, simply ask if he would prefer that you and your wife stay away. His house, his call.

 

[the1kidd03]

I'm glad I'm not in your shoes. My FIL gives me one of his extra pistols if circumstances prevent me from taking mine with me to his location (CA).

On a serious note though, T.lex has some good advice. Just be vocal and curteous with your wife and FIL and voice your opinions respectfully.

If your intent later comes to be "fixing" your FIL's opinion on guns, then that'll bring up a whole other world of advice.

 

[Nodnarb]

I tend to not say much around my inlaws and some of my own family members due to differing opinions and views. It is not worth the argument to even coverse with them much. They think I'm just quiet and not very social. I go to a lot of my wife's family functions but not all only for her sake.

 

[Mark 1911]

Luckily for me, my wife's family are not anti-gun, they are Canadian and seem to have somewhat of a fascination with the American gun culture. On the other hand a lot of my own family, almost all of them, are anti-gun, including some New York residents. We've had our discussions in the past. Although I passionately disagree with them on this topic, I don't get to see them often, and I would prefer not to spend that time in a heated debate, I only regret it afterwards, so do they. They are my family and despite their views on this topic I love them dearly, there are many things that I sincerely like about them, and I would simply prefer to avoid the discussions altogether around them if it's going to lead to an argument. There are plenty of other things to talk about and enjoy together. I enjoy the things we do have in common, and I reserve the rest of my world for other times.

 

[Aaron1776]

Dealing with your wife comes first. Let her know how much you love her, but how important this is to you. It seems to me that you're probably not refusing to go there because he doesn't like guns. You're refusing to go there because he is totally intolerant of your values and is acting like a total prick/ thought police. A man can run his household how he likes but he doesn't have the right to be the gestapo towards his guests. I would have a sit down with him and let him know that if he wants you to come over then he needs to be a gracious host and tolerate your views the way you tolerate his. It's enough that you don't bring your firearm in. He does not have the right to dictate how you think and speak. Your mind and body are your own no matter where you are.
If I were you I wouldn't darken his doorway until there was a talk between him and me and I would let him know it. That way the ball is in his court and you're not coming off as the whiney bad guy.

Edit: If he refuses to let you even talk about guns even then, I would ask him how he would feel if you said that while at your house he isn't allowed to talk about gun control, barack obama, or anything remotely liberal or he'll be asked to leave. Turnabout is fair play. And then see how he reacts to such non-sense or even remotely understands how unfair he is being. If he still doesn't get it, he'll look like the prick. And rightly so.

 

[churchmouse]

I understand all of the complexity's of this situation. My wifes father (god rest his soul) lost a leg from the knee down in a robbery where he worked. This injury eventually led to his death. For that reason during his life we did not discuss guns or related topics at his home. They knew I was involved in collecting/shooting but never rubbed my face in it.
He passed over 10 years ago. Since then I have taught and helped arm several family members and I am going to be teaching MIL to shoot as soon as the weather allows. It was her request. I will honer it and see that she is trained and properly armed for her strength and ability's.

I do believe this situation could have been handled better by the FIL. His house or not there are rules of discussion that should be followed by men. Have you tried to sit down and speak of this with him in a 1 on 1.
It sounds from your telling that he is a bit of an A$$. Maybe he just does not care for you. My first FIL had issues with me that ended badly for him on multiple occasions. Some folks just never catch on.

Honer your wife....bite the bullet, literally and stand by her. That is what partners do.

 

[the1kidd03]

Honer your wife.....

You picked ONE wrong letter. Want to guess which one....

 

[Dead Duck]

Had the same issue years ago.
I realized that conceal means conceal - so I carried anyway. I got tiered of biting my tongue too.

When I got scolded for disagreeing with conversations they had (not just guns) I would just get louder and corrected them even more. Some people really do live in a bubble especially when the only people around them are "yes men". (like in DC)

After a while, I was kind-of "Banned" from all the functions over there but, I really got tired of faking it just to please them.
They were all morons anyway.

If you can't be yourself around you're own family, then it's not worth having them around you.

 

[hfdcowboy]

It was not the fact of not having my firearm i left that in the truck from day one without being asked out of respect for someones home. It was the fact of some one being pompous enough to tell two grown men what they can or can not talk about. I would never do that i might not participate in the conversation, but i would not use the my way or the highway route.

 

[hfdcowboy]

I understand all of the complexity's of this situation. My wifes father (god rest his soul) lost a leg from the knee down in a robbery where he worked. This injury eventually led to his death. For that reason during his life we did not discuss guns or related topics at his home. They knew I was involved in collecting/shooting but never rubbed my face in it.
He passed over 10 years ago. Since then I have taught and helped arm several family members and I am going to be teaching MIL to shoot as soon as the weather allows. It was her request. I will honer it and see that she is trained and properly armed for her strength and ability's.

I do believe this situation could have been handled better by the FIL. His house or not there are rules of discussion that should be followed by men. Have you tried to sit down and speak of this with him in a 1 on 1.
It sounds from your telling that he is a bit of an A$$. Maybe he just does not care for you. My first FIL had issues with me that ended badly for him on multiple occasions. Some folks just never catch on.

Honer your wife....bite the bullet, literally and stand by her. That is what partners do.

Honestly no i have not had a 1 on 1 with him (probably just now over it enough to do so) i might go this route. Also i think your right he does not care for me too much we are polar opposite's.

 

[Faine]

Hmm, what to do. Personally I'd never have gone back. I'd have explained very clearly that you expect her, your wife to visit and love her family but you're at an impasse with he father and rather than create uncomfortable tension and increase stress levels you'll be staying home to dutifully await her arrival.

In my experience going back is like increasing the pressure of a pipe bomb, eventually it's going to blow, the more pressure built up the worse it will be. Respect his opinion in his home and simply choose not to be there. Notice through all the crying no one bothered to ask him to drop it or let you carry? It was all about you accommodating him. Surprised you didn't get the "you're letting a gun divide us" comment, response to that is "no, you are."

Only you know if it's worth it, don't let anyone here tell you what to do but that's my 39.95, if ya know what I mean.

 

[cobber]

Take a good book with you, and occupy the bathroom for the duration.

Or just go and talk with other folks about Obama, drones, and religion.

 

[Bunnykid68]

How does your mother in law feel about the way he treated you? Does she care? Does she have a say in how the household is run?