Bad news Friday. So where do we go from here?

[churchmouse]

The part that got me is when he actually says congrats! It's like if he loses his legs, and we all say how lucky he is cause he's saving money on not having to buy shoes! Karma is a *****!

I neg. reped him and he neg rep. me back saying it is sad we could not see the bright side.
Not a fella I would want to spend much time around....just sad. No soul.

 

[lovemachine]

I neg. reped him and he neg rep. me back saying it is sad we could not see the bright side.
Not a fella I would want to spend much time around....just sad. No soul.

It is sad that someone would say that.

I see he's a site advertiser as well. I will NEVER do business with him and his place of work.

 

[bman1962]

I'm thankful my wife and her two brothers were adopted by awesome people. They are a tight knit family and you would never know they were not blood kin to each other.

Sorry for your bad news but I'd guess your life possibly has another mission.


Oh… and my i laws had a son of their own many years after adopting the other three. One big happy family!

 

[hoosierdoc]

I don't understand how I am selfish by pointing out the positive points on giving up on having kids. The OP gave options on what he should do, and giving up was one of the options the OP stated. Whatever he chooses will be the right choice for him and his family. He asked what he should do, and it would be an injustice to him to not share all the views and points. I know not having kids is taboo and wanting to have kids is the norm. You think I'm looking for attention, you have no idea, I don't care if he has kids or not. But if he does choose to give up or he is not able to adopt, then he should know there are people out there who support him in that as well. I support the OP in whatever he chooses and wish him the best on whatever path he follows.

I saw a patient who was 40 and I diagnosed him with metastatic lung CA, probably won't live a month. He looked quite successful and probably had a good nest egg. I did not tell him: "hey, think of it this way, you can blow your whole nest egg in a month now, won't that be awesome?!"

 

[actaeon277]

OP. Sorry to hear about your situation.
As several people have mentioned, maybe adoption.
And who knows. Docs don't know everything. And medical advances change things everyday.
Maybe you two will get your wish.



sadclown. Really?

 

[rw02kr43]

Thanks for all the replies. We flip and flop on adoption. One day we are all for it. The next we aren't. Just not sure yet. It's almost better that it's both of us with issues. Neither one can blame the other that way. We both love each other very much and we're pretty confident that we will be okay through this together. My wife is looking at adopting embryo, but in the very beginning stages of research on that. It's annoying cause we waited so many years until we were ready and were always so careful. We have a few friends who have adopted. And it's gone very well for them. But, the cost is a big deal. I don't like the idea of starting off in the hole so much already. Right now if anyone was to ask my wife or I what we wanted to do, they would get any range of answers. Then ask 5 min later and that answer would change. We just don't know right now. As for sadclown, his tactfulness was lacking, but I understand what he was saying. My wife and I have both said similar things when trying to figure out what to do. But like I said, that answer would change just a few min later. We're just kinda in a state of limbo right now. Shocked and sad I guess would be it. As for this being G_D's plan or his will, could be. That's a conversation I'd love to have with him. I know I really don't see a reason for it. But maybe there is.

Jason

 

[jagee]

Thanks for all the replies. We flip and flop on adoption. One day we are all for it. The next we aren't. Just not sure yet. It's almost better that it's both of us with issues. Neither one can blame the other that way. We both love each other very much and we're pretty confident that we will be okay through this together. My wife is looking at adopting embryo, but in the very beginning stages of research on that. It's annoying cause we waited so many years until we were ready and were always so careful. We have a few friends who have adopted. And it's gone very well for them. But, the cost is a big deal. I don't like the idea of starting off in the hole so much already. Right now if anyone was to ask my wife or I what we wanted to do, they would get any range of answers. Then ask 5 min later and that answer would change. We just don't know right now. As for sadclown, his tactfulness was lacking, but I understand what he was saying. My wife and I have both said similar things when trying to figure out what to do. But like I said, that answer would change just a few min later. We're just kinda in a state of limbo right now. Shocked and sad I guess would be it. Enough rambling for now I guess.

Jason

Good luck with your decision. That is a tough call to make, and you and your wife will make the one that is right for you/your family when the time is right.

Only advice I can give is talk it out with each other, and pray about it.

 

[churchmouse]

Thanks for all the replies. We flip and flop on adoption. One day we are all for it. The next we aren't. Just not sure yet. It's almost better that it's both of us with issues. Neither one can blame the other that way. We both love each other very much and we're pretty confident that we will be okay through this together. My wife is looking at adopting embryo, but in the very beginning stages of research on that. It's annoying cause we waited so many years until we were ready and were always so careful. We have a few friends who have adopted. And it's gone very well for them. But, the cost is a big deal. I don't like the idea of starting off in the hole so much already. Right now if anyone was to ask my wife or I what we wanted to do, they would get any range of answers. Then ask 5 min later and that answer would change. We just don't know right now. As for sadclown, his tactfulness was lacking, but I understand what he was saying. My wife and I have both said similar things when trying to figure out what to do. But like I said, that answer would change just a few min later. We're just kinda in a state of limbo right now. Shocked and sad I guess would be it. As for this being G_D's plan or his will, could be. That's a conversation I'd love to have with him. I know I really don't see a reason for it. But maybe there is.

Jason

When the tears have passed and your minds clear up a bit, you will know in your hearts what is right.
Prayers are still outgoing.

 

[88GT]

Thanks for all the replies. We flip and flop on adoption. One day we are all for it. The next we aren't. Just not sure yet. It's almost better that it's both of us with issues. Neither one can blame the other that way. We both love each other very much and we're pretty confident that we will be okay through this together. My wife is looking at adopting embryo, but in the very beginning stages of research on that. It's annoying cause we waited so many years until we were ready and were always so careful. We have a few friends who have adopted. And it's gone very well for them. But, the cost is a big deal. I don't like the idea of starting off in the hole so much already. Right now if anyone was to ask my wife or I what we wanted to do, they would get any range of answers. Then ask 5 min later and that answer would change. We just don't know right now. As for sadclown, his tactfulness was lacking, but I understand what he was saying. My wife and I have both said similar things when trying to figure out what to do. But like I said, that answer would change just a few min later. We're just kinda in a state of limbo right now. Shocked and sad I guess would be it. As for this being G_D's plan or his will, could be. That's a conversation I'd love to have with him. I know I really don't see a reason for it. But maybe there is.

Jason

You are in the middle of it. Your emotions are swinging all over the place. Now is not the time to make a decision. It's normal that you feel like a pendulum, going back and forth between this and that, and then that and this. Take the time to grieve. Not just a few days. Take weeks. Months if you need it. A year would not be a bad thing.

Go ahead and have that conversation with Him. His ways are not our ways. You may not get an answer you like. You may not get an answer at all. Maybe it will come later. Maybe you will look back in many years and see that this was the preparation for what is to come.

 

[Indy317]

I don't understand how I am selfish by pointing out the positive points on giving up on having kids. The OP gave options on what he should do, and giving up was one of the options the OP stated. Whatever he chooses will be the right choice for him and his family. He asked what he should do, and it would be an injustice to him to not share all the views and points.

You are right to point out the positives. However, your choice of words come across as uncaring, almost cheering the underlying negative issue. While the OP may have thrown out not having kids as a choice, it was pretty clear that it was the last road he and his wife wanted to travel. My wife and I don't have kids. My wife's personality is no where near that to being able to dealing with raising children. My personality is split on the issue. I love the freedom of not having the worry, the limitations in life that come with children, but I also understand that child rearing can provide just something to do in life. Life can get pretty boring at times. While my wife and I make OK money, we are no where near "rich," and I don't care to chase dollars and try to do nothing but work, work, work to be a millionaire. While many would look at us as "rich," if I tried to fill all the time I would spend raising kids just having fun, spending money, I would be in the exact same financial picture as many others in this country. It is one thing to not have kids and make $250K/year, it is another to not even make $100K/year.

To the OP, I would strongly suggest as others have here and look at adoption. Take the advice offered here and get names of good lawyers who can really help in these situations. I've read recent horror stories of US based adoptions ending up badly. Too many kids who mom doesn't know the father, or the alleged father isn't the biological father and bio father ends up coming in and taking the kid back, etc.. I think those adoptions where would be parents end up paying tens of thousands to the bio mom only to have her go back on the deal are the worse. It's horrible watching good people get taken advantage of like that. Get a good lawyer, and draw a line in the sand when it comes to how much money you are willing to spend. Also, keep trying to have your own children. There are plenty of couples told that it will never happen, and then it happens.

 

[theweakerbrother]

To the OP. Not much can be said that wasn't said already. Prayers to you and I mean it. A few years ago, I found out I had late stage 3 cancer. I took my chances and sought pretty aggressive treatment. 25 radiation days, 3 rounds and weeks of chemo and I am fastly approaching my 5 year anniversary. We're being optimistic about everything and I still have two more years before I'm "in the clear" but I'm doing well.

A few years ago, we decided to have kids. After many months of trying, we found out the hard way that some people just can't "decide" to have kids. Although we took many precautions to prevent infertility, the chemo and radiation perceptively ruined those chances. We didn't know this to be the case until after going to a family planning doc at a very large and affluent hospital in Indy. Both my wife and I had many tests ran on us. Turns out, I was the one at fault and I was given an estimated 95-97% infertility score. Shortly after dropping the bomb of the news, we were told we would be candidates for IVF. We were quoted a price of around 20-30K to have assistance in creating many fertilized eggs created and then deposited. Insurance does not cover IVF and the office recommended we pay in cash and save pennies or get credit cards with rewards points (!!!) to help pay for it. We never went back.

We planned our lives around never having kids the 'natural' way and continued on with our lives. My wife finished her masters degree and got a job she wanted. I found a new job that didn't require me to pull out what little hair I had left. We were going to pursue other options (adoption) for having kids. In late 2012, my wife thought she had an upset stomach from food and was very queasy. She felt that way and the right before Thanksgiving, took a pregnancy test that we had left over (turns out it was expired) and it showed up a faint positive. She took another one and it said ERROR (probably expired). She went to the store and got another one and that came back positive. She was pregnant and neither of us could believe it.

My point in posting this is not to give myself kudos or to brag about defying the odds. It's to let you know that you nor your wife should ever give up hope. Never ever do it. It will eat away at your career, your faith (if you have one) and your marriage. You may beat the odds and have a kid in spite of what modern medicine may say. You may never have kids of your own and that's a damn tough pill to swallow. But you still do not have to give up hope. Why? Because of other methods. Adoption. Fostering. Your hope can change the lives of those kids waiting to take you as their parents. Your hope can give hope to the hopeless. Like the old saying goes, we can pick our friends and our nose, but we cannot pick our family... lots of kids are out there with garbage parents that need a stable home life. get plugged in to somewhere that can help you adopt. there are for profit and not for profit agencies that can help. my wife has an aunt who adopted her daughter from a conversation had over someone selling Mary Kay make up. What started out as a gossipy conversation about a soon to be teen mom turned into an opportunity for someone who wanted to have kids to finally find the "right time" to adopt.

It seems greedy to ask for more kids when we had such a hard time trying to get one. We may adopt in the future if the right opportunity comes along.

It sounds weird but take time to mourn the news you and your wife were given. You'll know when the time is right to pick yourself (and her) up and shoulder the news a little differently. You have the love to give, it just might not be in the way that you and her always dreamed of sharing it - by adoption or fostering.

 

[partyboy6686]

Sorry to hear about the bad news you guys were giving. My wife works in a OB/GYN Office. They have patients all the time in the fertility clinic who have miracles and get pregnant on there own after spending 20-30K on fertility drugs and treatment. Have you or your wife thought about getting a second opinion?

 

[87iroc]

Prayers go out to you. My wife and I were blessed with one but when we tried to have more her hereditary endomitriosis<sp?> had kicked in and has caused us issues. We looked at adoption but it was so expensive we dropped back. We are now talking about Foster Parenting. We're not sure what we're going to do just yet. I hope after the anger and resentment quiet down you guys are able to take a deep breath and figure out whats right for you.