Things You Don't say to Your Wife

[nipprdog]

My wife asked me why she always gets the shotgun when we're shooting at the farm...
I said, without thinking, "I love the way it makes your (@@)'s bounce...
Thankfully she had just fired the last round and I had time to run!

 

[Mark 1911]

Wow! This apple pie is almost as good as my mom's!

 

[other dave]

Things You Don't say to Your Wife

Your sister does it better!

 

[spearheadersarge]

That was pretty funny! Certainly enjoyed it!

 

[KittySlayer]

Ben & Jerry

Wife - "Do these pants make me look fat?"

You - "It's not the pants that make you look fat."

You - "Not the pants, it's the pint of Ben & Jerrys you ate last night that makes you look fat."

Luckily my wife is blonde and from KY so she can't read stuff I post on the computer.

 

[Faine]

Wife: How was your day today?

Me: "Pretty Amazing, I met a woman who was cheat on you HOT!"

Afterwords I had pretend I was Caesar the wife whisperer for about 2 weeks.

 

[halfmileharry]

When the wife asks...What do you want for your birthday? "How 'bout that red head on the other side of the bar"? is the wrong answer.

 

[dmarsh8]

My wife asked me why she always gets the shotgun when we're shooting at the farm...
I said, without thinking, "I love the way it makes your (@@)'s bounce...
Thankfully she had just fired the last round and I had time to run!

 

[JB357Mag]

Here's a tip:

Dont come home at 3am with a couple a buddies
and say "b***h make us something to eat!"

Jimmy

 

[Beemer]

How about honey I am buying another gun.

I must have an awesome wife, so far not a problem. I have a gun fund, she has a shoe fund!

 

[bauerr3]

I love Tim Hawkins. There are a couple songs in church that my family and I just can't handle anymore...we're more likely to sing the Tim Hawkins version! haha

 

[rob63]

Another tip; it just doesn't matter how nice your girlfriend is, your wife still won't like her.

 

[Tinner666]

Mine was talking to a lady in the checkout line that had a baby. They were cooing and carrying on and asked what i though and if it was a pretty baby. I said it looked like a turd maker, and pointed at a bouncy 20ish blond in the next aisle and said "Now, that's what i call a pretty baby." I still have no idea why they both hit and some other woman took a swing at me too. Sheeesh! Go figure.

Oh yeah, that reminds me. I stopped to allow a couple of cuties cross at an intersection. She siad it was really polite of me. I know that too. But she cussed and swung at me when I said, "And besides, it's easier to watch them walk when they're in front of the car instead of after we pass.

I'll never understand women.

 

[Bunnykid68]

Can you leave for a while, I have a date coming over in a few

 

[GodFearinGunTotin]

This one always gets me a "bite my ***!":

"The older you get, the more you're just like your mother".





She gets mad because she knows it's true...

 

[Dosproduction]

Sorry babe we cant afford that present you wanted for your birthday. But im sure seeing my new 1911 I got today will cheer you up.

 

[SeaCaptain49]

Me: Let me help you with the laundry.

Her: Don't put those in there, the dryer makes my jeans tight.

Me: I'm pretty sure it's the refrigerator that does that.

 

[ultra...good]

For such a big girl, you really don't sweat that much.

 

[SEIndSAM]

Never used it, but would hate to see the reaction to "my ex did that better".

 

[GodFearinGunTotin]

This one got me another "bite my ***!"....

After trying to unsuccessfully explain something to my wife one day, I quipped "Honey, I can't think of any simpler words to use to make you understand."