Scutter01's Inquisition - #1 Death by cat

[Disposable Heart]

Our new kitten is freakishly sneaky. I'll be sitting on the couch when Poof the cat is sitting next to my head. I think that is its way of saying "if you give into my demands, I won't slit your throat while you sleep.

I'm getting kinda scared of her. Last night she "appeared" (mental note: she's using ninja magic) on the armrest of the couch, looked up at me and said "I can be anywhere at any time." Then she started to purr and walked away.

Must look away, the EYES! Looking into my soul! Destroying my inhibition! Whats that? You want me to take off my shirt? All hail kitten GOD!!

With this, Vernon becomes the single prophet to the kitty god. This starts the Kitten Reformation, broken into three parts:

The Kitty Revolution: Forming groups adherant to the kitten's teaching, they begin to rise against the other religions, gaining followers. From a loose knit group of kitty supporters, they become a major religious and later, political entity.

The Kitty War: After gaining their independance, the Kitty Nation rises against their neighbors in a losing war (final defeat leads to the last phase of the Reformation). The Kitty nation begins a campaign against what it calls "the DOG followers" (other non-aligned nations fall to the Kitty Group's will).

The Kitty Revelation: As the forces of DOG (Democratic Ordinated Group, a military alliance of non-kitty nations) begin to move into the Kitty Nation's capital of Feline, the Kitty God itself comes down from the heavens to take its followers with it to the Catbox in the Sky (mass suicides via gunshots and cyanide by the most devout of the followers). As mentioned in the earlier works of the Kitty Prophets, the followers then have vengeance upon the DOG, leading to a thousand year torture of unbelievers of a cat sleeping on their face while trying to get some rest.

I have too much time on my hands at work.

 

[nighthawk80]

that is a beautiful picture. i love her eyes

Ya, they sealed the deal for my wife. Its amazing how much a dslr helps in the picture taking process. Thank you for the complament. I've seen the pics you take, so if you say they are good, then, well that once again proves the wife is better than I.

That kitten would make a delicious poptart.

Ha ha ha , that is too funny. I gotta show the wife.

 

[indyjoe]

For some reason, this thread is making me think of Bun Bun.

 

[rhino]

I think a roving gang of cats would lose interest in me before they could bring me down, unless their attention span exceeded the time it takes me to be exhausted enough to fall down.

Indoors would help, because you could use the walls to your advantage. Throwing them at the walls, slamming your cat-covered body into the walls over, and over, and over. Plus, it would limit their mobility and the number of angles from which they could attack as once.

Of course, it could all be over quickly if one of them gets a claw or two into my eyes. Or, if one or more of them has mastered the Kitty Co** Punch. Of course, if they do try co** punching me, I'll co** punch 'em right back, even if they are girl cats. In my opinion, there is no place for co** punching in a fair rhinoceros vs. house cat melee.

 

[VUPDblue]

You could also kebob them on your snout-horn thingy...with a couple pieces of onion and pepper they'd probably be quite tasty.

 

[rhino]

You could also kebob them on your snout-horn thingy...with a couple pieces of onion and pepper they'd probably be quite tasty.

You make good sense, sir. In fact, doing so would also serve as a stern warning to other cats as to what shall befall them should they choose to foolishly attack me in any manner, whether by co**-punching or otherwise.

 

[Scutter01]

Throwing them at the walls, slamming your cat-covered body into the walls over, and over, and over.

I just found a new phrase for the memo line on all my checks.

 

[theweakerbrother]

Do cats hunt in packs?

 

[Biggdogg]

What if they all attacked you at the same time? I'm thinking if they ganged up on me, I could only take out maybe a dozen with my bare hands, but if it were one or two at a time, I could go all day.

Being a certified cat wrangler, I can tell you that in a situation wher you are approached by a large number of cats...the best thing to do is curl up in a ball on the floor and make yarn noises. They can't stand to hear yarn suffer...that's why they are very selective about the yarn they play with in the first place. They will only attack yarn that cannot/will not sound out for help.

 

[bowhunter_1978]

I can swing a shovel fairly fast, it would take more than a couple cats to take me down

 

[Annie Oakley]

I have 6 of them in the house and it would only take one of them to do me in. They hide on the stairs and jump out from under furniture and, of course, I nearly break my neck trying not to hurt them. They also sometimes look at me as if gauging just how much smaller I would need to be for them to consider me prey.

That picture is beautiful. I have sworn that when these guys are gone it is only going to be two dogs and my birds but that one might have made me weaken in my resolve. I am just tired of explaining to people that my furniture is very expensive since it is woven out of cat hair.

 

[Indy_Guy_77]

Only one.

Ever hear of the Tsavo Maneaters?

-J-

 

[Scutter01]

Only one.

Ever hear of the Tsavo Maneaters?

-J-

I think it would be generally agreed that those would not be classified as "house cats".

 

[Indy_Guy_77]

I think it would be generally agreed that those would not be classified as "house cats".

Have you seen my house?

 

[rhino]

I am now inspired to build a pair of prototype Cat-defense Gauntlets.

Big, thick, leather gloves that cover your forearms, with long, steel spikes protruding from the knuckle area. The leather offers protection during defensive moves and for cat throttling, and the spike allow for a series of counterattacks, all involving cat punching.

I may add blades to the outside palm edge in order to add some genuine chopping to cat karate chopping.

 

[Scutter01]

Have you seen my house?

Yes, and it's a mess. You should clean it up. And use a bread-tie. Don't just spin the bread and tuck it under the loaf.

 

[Scutter01]

Cat throttling.

I just thought that bore repeating.

 

[Benny]

Aren't house cats usually de-clawed?

 

[printcraft]

Cat throttling.

I just thought that bore repeating.

CAT-A-PULT


NOTE: Some of you will find this in bad taste, Others will agree they taste like chicken.
\ / \ / \ / \ / \ /

Cat-a-pult

 

[theweakerbrother]

We refuse to declaw our Sentient Shedding Attack Cats. We wont regret it when they prevent intruders from breaking in.