Scutter01's Rules for Dealing With a Haunting
1) Always believe. Seriously. We've been friends/family/etc. for years. We'll agree to give each other the benefit of the doubt when one of us says there's a ghost moving the books around in the den. Believe first, verify later. You can laugh at your idiot friend for being scared by a stray cat knocking over trash cans later on. But, on the off-chance that he's right, let's not blow this, OK? You're going to get us all killed.
2) If you see a ghost, NEVER EVER look away when calling someone over to confirm. I don't care how scary it is. Unless it's charging you, keep your eyes glued to it. The second you look away, it will always vanish. At least, until the climax when you can't get the thing to stop trying to murder you.
4) If you suspect a haunting, share that info. Don't keep it to yourself. When you see a mysterious orb floating across your living room and your wife asks you "What's wrong, honey?" You don't say "Oh, it's...nothing. Must have been headlights or something." You say "Uh...we've got ghosts. Big ones. With teeth. And I think they have too many elbows for my sanity. Go get me a can of Raid or something." See Rule #1.
5) Document. Document document document. Take pictures. Take video. Take pictures of the video and video of the pictures of the video. Verify over and over that they all didn't get mysteriously erased. Have everyone you know experience it and then blog about it. Drag strangers off the street and have them Facebook it. Call every scientist at every univeristy within a thousand miles. Seriously. And here's why: As soon as the ghost murders the first person, you have got zero alibi. The cops are never going to believe for a second that you didn't jam your wife into a tree trunk 50 feet up and then somehow wrap the branches around her leg. They won't know how you did it, but you're going to take the fall for it. Generally speaking, "I accidentally opened a Portal to Hell" is not considered a positive defense against this sort of thing. Remember Natalie Wood? That chick just fell off a boat and they're STILL questioning Robert Wagner about it 30 years later.
6) It's never Old Man Smithers who used to run the old abandoned movie theater. Just accept that it's a ghost and stop trying to Scooby Doo this thing up.
7) Pay attention to the background music. When the music swells, it's either a cat about to jump out from behind a curtain, or you're about to lose a hand.
8) If the medium you hired declares that the house is "clean", get a second opinion.
9) If you live in a haunted house, move. It's just a house. Get out before the ghost attaches itself to your daughter and drags her into the closet-slash-interdimensional gateway. I'm pretty sure you don't have to disclose a haunting on a real estate sales agreement. Let the new owners worry about it.
10) If you see a terrifying figure in the hallway that only appears when you turn off the light, the correct response is NOT "Tape the light switch 'ON' and go to bed". The correct response is "burn down the house without hesitation and move to Fiji".
Ok, have you got all that? Let's take a little test, then, shall we?
Question 1:
You and your wife are standing in the kitchen having a conversation. She suddenly goes pale while staring over your left shoulder. How do you react?
A) "Honey? What's wrong?"
B) Turn around and look.
C) Dive to the right, grabbing your wife with your left arm, and run for cover.
Question 2:
Your daughter is staring at a TV displaying nothing but static. As you start to remind her that it's past her bed time, she turns to you and says "They're here." How do you react?
A) "Who's here?"
B) Turn off the TV and take your daughter back to her room.
C) Grab your daughter and run through the house screaming "Code red! Bugout Plan Alpha! Execute! Execute! Execute! This is not a drill!".
Question 3:
You're putting clothes away and you see a strange stain on the wall at the back of the closet. You move some hangers out of the way for a better look and you can clearly see that it's visibly expanding in size. How do you react?
A) Touch it to see if you can identify it.
B) Call your roofing guy.
C) Sell the house. I hear Crystal Lake is nice this time of year. Or maybe Amity Island? You're not afraid of boats, right?
Question 4:
You're inexplicably shaving at 1am. You nick your face and a drop of blood spills. As you begin to dab at it, bits of your skin start to fall away in your hands. The damage gets worse and worse until you're frantically pulling huge chunks of flesh away. There's blood everywhere; it's horrible! There's a flash, and everything is back to normal. How do you react?
A) Rub your eyes and tell yourself you're just tired.
B) Take a sleeping pill to calm your nerves.
C) Tell your wife that your face just fell off and that you believe that there is a ghost in the bathroom and it may be haunting either your razor or the toilet. You think it's the razor, but it smells like it might be the toilet.
Scoring: This was a trick test. If you answered anything other than "C" to any question, then congratulations. You've just doomed yourself and your family to a horrible death. Nice going. Next time pay more attention in class.
ETA: I've had several people PM me asking if I plagiarized this. As already stated in this thread, this is original content written by me.
1) Always believe. Seriously. We've been friends/family/etc. for years. We'll agree to give each other the benefit of the doubt when one of us says there's a ghost moving the books around in the den. Believe first, verify later. You can laugh at your idiot friend for being scared by a stray cat knocking over trash cans later on. But, on the off-chance that he's right, let's not blow this, OK? You're going to get us all killed.
2) If you see a ghost, NEVER EVER look away when calling someone over to confirm. I don't care how scary it is. Unless it's charging you, keep your eyes glued to it. The second you look away, it will always vanish. At least, until the climax when you can't get the thing to stop trying to murder you.
2a) Corollary to Rule 2: If you see a ghost in the mirror, don't turn around to look. It'll be gone. You already know it's standing behind you. You can clearly see it. If it decides to lunge, turning around will just lose you valuable reaction time.
3) NEVER get your face right up to the event to get a better look. The walls are bleeding. Isn't that enough? Do you really have to taste it to make sure? It ain't snozzberries, I can tell you that. Wow, creeping tendrils coming out of the shower drain? And you think sticking your finger in there is the best way to explore this strange phenomenon? As a kid, you wouldn't even touch that dead racoon under the tree fort without a long stick. Why start getting close now? Without looking away, whip out the cellphone and start recording, but DON'T get near it. You don't know what it's going to do. Is it going to leap off the wall and rip your face off? Open a door to the Demon Dimension and drag you through? Best not try to find out.
4) If you suspect a haunting, share that info. Don't keep it to yourself. When you see a mysterious orb floating across your living room and your wife asks you "What's wrong, honey?" You don't say "Oh, it's...nothing. Must have been headlights or something." You say "Uh...we've got ghosts. Big ones. With teeth. And I think they have too many elbows for my sanity. Go get me a can of Raid or something." See Rule #1.
5) Document. Document document document. Take pictures. Take video. Take pictures of the video and video of the pictures of the video. Verify over and over that they all didn't get mysteriously erased. Have everyone you know experience it and then blog about it. Drag strangers off the street and have them Facebook it. Call every scientist at every univeristy within a thousand miles. Seriously. And here's why: As soon as the ghost murders the first person, you have got zero alibi. The cops are never going to believe for a second that you didn't jam your wife into a tree trunk 50 feet up and then somehow wrap the branches around her leg. They won't know how you did it, but you're going to take the fall for it. Generally speaking, "I accidentally opened a Portal to Hell" is not considered a positive defense against this sort of thing. Remember Natalie Wood? That chick just fell off a boat and they're STILL questioning Robert Wagner about it 30 years later.
6) It's never Old Man Smithers who used to run the old abandoned movie theater. Just accept that it's a ghost and stop trying to Scooby Doo this thing up.
7) Pay attention to the background music. When the music swells, it's either a cat about to jump out from behind a curtain, or you're about to lose a hand.
7a) Corollary to Rule 7: Why are you sweeping away the curtain? If there's nothing there, then you don't need to check. If there IS something there, best just to leave it alone, eh? Why you gotta go looking for trouble? If you absolutely MUST check, use a stick or something and stand back as far as possible (see Rule 3). Better yet, call your annoying neighbor over and have HIM check. You know the one. The guy who keeps borrowing your lawn mower but never fills it with gas? He could stand to have his face ripped off, I bet. Serve him right. Jerk.
8) If the medium you hired declares that the house is "clean", get a second opinion.
9) If you live in a haunted house, move. It's just a house. Get out before the ghost attaches itself to your daughter and drags her into the closet-slash-interdimensional gateway. I'm pretty sure you don't have to disclose a haunting on a real estate sales agreement. Let the new owners worry about it.
10) If you see a terrifying figure in the hallway that only appears when you turn off the light, the correct response is NOT "Tape the light switch 'ON' and go to bed". The correct response is "burn down the house without hesitation and move to Fiji".
Ok, have you got all that? Let's take a little test, then, shall we?
Question 1:
You and your wife are standing in the kitchen having a conversation. She suddenly goes pale while staring over your left shoulder. How do you react?
A) "Honey? What's wrong?"
B) Turn around and look.
C) Dive to the right, grabbing your wife with your left arm, and run for cover.
Question 2:
Your daughter is staring at a TV displaying nothing but static. As you start to remind her that it's past her bed time, she turns to you and says "They're here." How do you react?
A) "Who's here?"
B) Turn off the TV and take your daughter back to her room.
C) Grab your daughter and run through the house screaming "Code red! Bugout Plan Alpha! Execute! Execute! Execute! This is not a drill!".
Question 3:
You're putting clothes away and you see a strange stain on the wall at the back of the closet. You move some hangers out of the way for a better look and you can clearly see that it's visibly expanding in size. How do you react?
A) Touch it to see if you can identify it.
B) Call your roofing guy.
C) Sell the house. I hear Crystal Lake is nice this time of year. Or maybe Amity Island? You're not afraid of boats, right?
Question 4:
You're inexplicably shaving at 1am. You nick your face and a drop of blood spills. As you begin to dab at it, bits of your skin start to fall away in your hands. The damage gets worse and worse until you're frantically pulling huge chunks of flesh away. There's blood everywhere; it's horrible! There's a flash, and everything is back to normal. How do you react?
A) Rub your eyes and tell yourself you're just tired.
B) Take a sleeping pill to calm your nerves.
C) Tell your wife that your face just fell off and that you believe that there is a ghost in the bathroom and it may be haunting either your razor or the toilet. You think it's the razor, but it smells like it might be the toilet.
Scoring: This was a trick test. If you answered anything other than "C" to any question, then congratulations. You've just doomed yourself and your family to a horrible death. Nice going. Next time pay more attention in class.
ETA: I've had several people PM me asking if I plagiarized this. As already stated in this thread, this is original content written by me.
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