INGO: Joke of the day page

[Gluemanz28]

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!”

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?” The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!”

 

[Bigtanker]

I just saw a guy with one arm, shopping in a second hand store. Wonder if he found what he was looking for?

 

[Gluemanz28]

I just saw a guy with one arm, shopping in a second hand store. Wonder if he found what he was looking for?

What happen to him? Armed robbery?

 

[Bigtanker]

What happen to him? Armed robbery?

Would that make him a one armed bandit?

 

[Mr Evilwrench]

Would that make him a one armed bandit?

I need to talk to that guy about my wife.

 

[Bill of Rights]

I just saw a guy with one arm, shopping in a second hand store. Wonder if he found what he was looking for?

What happen to him? Armed robbery?

Would that make him a one armed bandit?

You guys do know you're going to hell, right?

I gotta hand it to you, though, those may be rude, but they're funny.

 

[Fire Lord]

You guys do know you're going to hell, right?

I gotta hand it to you, though, those may be rude, but they're funny.

 

[Gluemanz28]

You guys do know you're going to hell, right?

I gotta hand it to you, though, those may be rude, but they're funny.

They make the best fishing partners. It's hard for them to show you how long the fish was that they caught when telling a lie.

 

[Mr Evilwrench]

They make the best fishing partners. It's hard for them to show you how long the fish was that they caught when telling a lie.

That must be some Jedi fishing there, I've only heard of lying after the fact.

Sorry, been over at that punctuation thread.

 

[sharkey]

That must be some Jedi fishing there, I've only heard of lying after the fact.

Sorry, been over at that punctuation thread.

Helping a relative off a horse, I presume?

 

[Mr Evilwrench]

Nah, cooking with grandma.

 

[Jerchap2]

A grandpa was summoned for a tax audit, and showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "You live a lavish lifestyle with no full-time employment and tell us you get your money by gambling. We find that hard to believe."

Grandpa says, I am a great gambler. Do you want a demonstration?" "OK," the auditor replies.

"I bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor is sure that is not possible, and takes the bet.

The grandpa takes out a glass eye and bites it. Then he says, "I will bet you $2,000 that I can bite my other eye." Seeing that the grandpa is not blind, he takes him up on it. Grandpa takes out his dentures and uses them to bite his other eye.

At this point the auditor is getting nervous, having just lost $3,000 to the grandpa in front of his attorney.

The grandpa says, "I bet you $6,000 that I can stand on the end of your desk and pee into the waste basket on the other end of your desk and not spill even a drop on your desk."

The auditor is wary, having been taken in twice already. But he decides that is not possible, and at least he can break even. So he accepts.

The grandpa stands on the end of the desk, unzips, and pees all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps for joy, having just turned a $3,000 loss into a $3,000 win.

The grandpa's attorney groans and puts his head in his hands. The auditor asks him if he is OK.

"Not really. Grandpa bet me $25,000 on the way here that he could pee all over your desk and you would be happy about it."

Don't mess with grandpa.

 

[ArcadiaGP]

Hillary Clinton is elected president... and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

 

[IndyDave1776]

Hillary Clinton is elected president... and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

 

[ArcadiaGP]

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"
"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.
"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.
"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

 

[Jerchap2]

The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

"In front of you?" he asks, shy.

The nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before."

The patient said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse to the patient. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the patient's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," the nurse said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," the patient replied.

She ran out of the room.

 

[hoosierdoc]

One snowy morning the secret service come to tell Bill Clinton some bad news.

ss: sir, someone wrote "bill sucks" in the snow on the front lawn of the whitehouse

Bill: what?? That's awful. I want a full investigation and the person prosecuted! Use every resources we have, this was someone on the inside of the fence!

(some time passes)

ss: sir, we used our best men and found out whose urine it is.

Bill: that's great! Who is it?

ss: well, we have some bad news, it belongs to your Vice President, Al Gore

bill: that jerk, I'll make him pay, get him here right away

ss: uhm, sir, that's not all. We had also had the handwriting analyzed and that belongs to your wife

 

[DarkRose]

A grandpa was summoned for a tax audit, and showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "You live a lavish lifestyle with no full-time employment and tell us you get your money by gambling. We find that hard to believe."

Grandpa says, I am a great gambler. Do you want a demonstration?" "OK," the auditor replies.

"I bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor is sure that is not possible, and takes the bet.

The grandpa takes out a glass eye and bites it. Then he says, "I will bet you $2,000 that I can bite my other eye." Seeing that the grandpa is not blind, he takes him up on it. Grandpa takes out his dentures and uses them to bite his other eye.

At this point the auditor is getting nervous, having just lost $3,000 to the grandpa in front of his attorney.

The grandpa says, "I bet you $6,000 that I can stand on the end of your desk and pee into the waste basket on the other end of your desk and not spill even a drop on your desk."

The auditor is wary, having been taken in twice already. But he decides that is not possible, and at least he can break even. So he accepts.

The grandpa stands on the end of the desk, unzips, and pees all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps for joy, having just turned a $3,000 loss into a $3,000 win.

The grandpa's attorney groans and puts his head in his hands. The auditor asks him if he is OK.

"Not really. Grandpa bet me $25,000 on the way here that he could pee all over your desk and you would be happy about it."

Don't mess with grandpa.

First thing I thought of when I read that... Joke starts about 0:40 into the video... NSFW language (iirc)
[video=youtube;RPoX-Z27aNY]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPoX-Z27aNY[/video]

 

[Jerchap2]

 

[Rookie]

A woman adopted a foul mouthed bird because he was so beautiful and she thought he could be retrained. The shelter told her the bird lived in a whorehouse for the last decade.

When her husband's car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said,

"Hi Phil, welcome back!"