INGO: Joke of the day page

[patience0830]

From one of my guys in our Toronto office:

God was working on the final piece of the world and he said to his angels, “This is Canada, and it’s going to be amazing. It will have diverse animals, fish, and plants. I’m also giving it oil, diamonds, and gold. It will also have sunny beaches, sparkling lakes, awe-inspiring waterfalls, lush forests, vast plains, and majestic mountains.”

One of the angels asked, “God, aren’t you giving Canadians too much?”

“Don’t worry, I have a plan,” said God with a smile on his face, “Wait till you see what kind of leaders I’m giving them.”

FTFY

 

[actaeon277]

Joke/No Joke

 

[Ballstater98]

 

[actaeon277]

View attachment 296009

May God have mercy, on your soul

 

[Ballstater98]

You know why you never buy a woman a watch?

There's a clock on the stove.

 

[Mongo59]

Why is a brides dress white?

Because the dishwasher should match the stove...

 

[Mongo59]

What is the first thing a woman does after getting out of the abuse center?

The dishes if she knows what's good for her...

These are old and not politically correct and no way represents the actual thoughts of the person saying it. Your mileage may vary...

 

[Cameramonkey]

What is the first thing a woman does after getting out of the abuse center?

The dishes if she knows what's good for her...

These are old and not politically correct and no way represents the actual thoughts of the person saying it. Your mileage may vary...

I go to the animal shelter to get a dog, and I'm a hero.

I go to the women's shelter to get a girlfriend, and I'm a heel.

It makes no sense.

 

[Mongo59]

What is the difference between a tribe of pigmies and a girls track team?

The tribe of pigmies are a bunch of cunning runts...


What is the difference between a woman in a bathtub and a woman in a church pew?

The woman in the church pew has hope in her soul...


What is the difference between a circus and chorus line?

A circus is an amazing array of cunning stunts...

 

[Mongo59]

I man was on safari in Africa when he had a terrible mishap and lost his pride and joy. They did not have a proper donor so they used the trunk of a still born elephant instead. Years later he was sitting at a banquet with friends and there was a baked potato on his plate. This trunk comes out from under the table and searches around, finds the potato and disappears. The woman setting next to him is amazed and says, "here, do it with mine" and places her baked potato on the plate. Sure enough the trunk comes up from under the table searches around for it, finds it and disappears back under the table. The woman says, "oh, you just have to show my friends!" To which he replies, "not now, my butt can't hold anymore..."

 

[actaeon277]

 

[Methane Herder]

Jaguar engineer and a Mercedes engineer comparing notes in a bar. Mercedes engineer says " At night ve put a cat in a randomly selected car to test the door seals. If it is alive in the morning the car fails."
Jaguar engineer says "We do the same thing but if the cat has escaped by morning the car fails."

MH

 

[actaeon277]

 

[smokingman]

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?” The mathematician replies “Four.” The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?” The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says “Yes, four, exactly.”

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The accountant says “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, “What do you want it to equal”?

 

[Mgderf]

I pondered this day, if Joseph Robinette Biden isn't related to Joe Isuzu?

Both pathological liars...

 

[actaeon277]

 

[smokingman]

View attachment 300297

I was squirrel hunting with a buddy back in the 1990s. He was wearing his old BDU pants(young dumb and tacticool). He shoots number three out of a tree,it drops to the ground he picks it up and adds it to his pants pocket.
3-5 minutes later I hear him screaming and then catch the funniest site ever. A 200lb+ pretty well built guy beating his leg with both fists while jumping around,still screaming. See,he did not check where he hit. It turns out the bullet went through one rear leg,and just knocked it out of the tree. The drop knocked the critter out. It was fully awake,and apparently trying to dig/bite/claw its way out of that pocket. He managed to beat it to death. It tore his leg up fairly well,and he had loads of self inflicted bruises a few hours later. We then spent 30 minutes looking for his 22,as he had apparently dropped it along the way(we found it). I still give him crap about it to this day.

 

[actaeon277]

I still give him crap about it to this day.

Well, of course

 

[patience0830]

I was squirrel hunting with a buddy back in the 1990s. He was wearing his old BDU pants(young dumb and tacticool). He shoots number three out of a tree,it drops to the ground he picks it up and adds it to his pants pocket.
3-5 minutes later I hear him screaming and then catch the funniest site ever. A 200lb+ pretty well built guy beating his leg with both fists while jumping around,still screaming. See,he did not check where he hit. It turns out the bullet went through one rear leg,and just knocked it out of the tree. The drop knocked the critter out. It was fully awake,and apparently trying to dig/bite/claw its way out of that pocket. He managed to beat it to death. It tore his leg up fairly well,and he had loads of self inflicted bruises a few hours later. We then spent 30 minutes looking for his 22,as he had apparently dropped it along the way(we found it). I still give him crap about it to this day.

Squirrels are like cigarettes, usually. Won't hurt you unless you put it in your mouth and set it on fire. Your friend is apparently the exception to this rule.

My other rule is, "Alway check if they're breathing. Choot 'em again if they are. .22 bullets are cheap."

 

[wingrider1800]

Choot eem elidabet, choot