INGO: Joke of the day page

[Mongo59]

An Irishman is circling around and around in a parking garage because it is full. Finally the prays, "Oh Lord, if you would be making me a parking space I would no longer be drinking my Irish Whiskey."

Then suddenly, right in front of him, a free parking space magically opens up between two cars!

To which the Irishman says, "Oh, never mind Lord, I found one me self!"

 

[actaeon277]

 

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[foszoe]

I thought it was one joke per day per person.

 

[Hatin Since 87]

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi...and he needed a loan,
so...He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international
redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that
he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security
for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank
The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan
officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized
for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at
the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for
a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into
the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled...

While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet
and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University,
a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate
and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include
a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City
can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07
and expect it to be there when I return?"

His name was Bubba...

 

[Drewski]

What is Joe Biden’s favorite monster movie?

You know - The Thing!

 

[Bigtanker]

View attachment 155376

True story. My neighbors called me Chad for years. The lady passed on in 2019 (she was sick, not old). The husband moved out this spring. We tried to tell them. I even talked to them on Sundays wearing my "My name is..." Sticker from Church.

No clue. It's a family joke now.

 

[Nazgul]

Don't know any Chad jokes off hand.....

Don

 

[Doug]

Chad was a horse thief.
They hung him.
He was a hanging Chad.

 

[foszoe]

Chad was a horse thief.
They hung him.
He was a hanging Chad.

That gets my vote!

 

[Hatin Since 87]

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2021 Alabama - Miami Hurricanes game, both box seats. He paid $2,500 per ticket, which includes the ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, a $400.00 bar tab and back stage pass to the winners locker room. What he didn't realize when he bought them last year was that it would be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at St. Paul's Church at 3 pm. Her name is Ashley. She’s 5'4", about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish, hunt and will clean your truck. She'll be the one in the white dress.

 

[kiddchaos]

When you see a screaming naked man running down the street. You run with that naked man! Cause there's some scary sh#t coming this way! - David Attell

 

[Drewski]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down around his crotch.

Bartender says, “Hey buddy, you know there’s a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?”

Pirate replies, “Yeeargh, and it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

 

[Lost Californian]

The Aisle, the Altar, and the Hymn​

All the chapel bells are ringing…..
Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery: Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behavour and life-style once their vows are exchanged?
Finally, the riddle is solved. A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.
When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:
Aisle, altar, and hymn.
She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions: Aisle, altar, hymn??Aisle, altar, hymn??Aisle, altar, hymn.
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is complete.
She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:
‘I’ll alter him!

 

[Mongo59]

They discovered a food that decreases a females sex drive by 95%...


wedding cake

 

[Hatin Since 87]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

"Well. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it --------- stuck in the middle of the cow's ass.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife 'Honey, this looks like yours!".......

'I don't remember much after that'

 

[Wolfhound]

I heard this on a podcast. It is supposed to be genuine Russian humor which is very dark.

Joseph Stalin (who was a ruthlesss butcher) was giving a speech in front of about 3000 people in an auditorium. In the middle of the speech someone in the audience sneezed extremely loud. Stalin stopped mid-sentence and yelled "Who did that?" The audience was frozen with fear. Stalin yelled again "Who dared to do that?" The audience was paralyzed with fear. He then ordered "first row stand up!" The first row stood as commanded, almost 200 hundred people. Stalin waved his hand and the KGB gunned them all down killing them. Stalin then yelled "Now, who did that?" Again the crowd was too afraid to even move. Stalin yelled "second row, stand up". They stood and he waved his hand. The KGB gunned them down. Killing the entire second row. Stalin said "alright, now tell me who dared to sneeze during my speech?" Way in the back a small shaking hand was raised. An older, frail man stood and said "Comrade Stalin I am so sorry. I could not help myself. Please forgive me." Stalin looked at him and said "God bless you" and continued his speech.