Wedding frustration.

[sepe]

Fat, gray, and with a trunk full of elephant snot?

So you've seen the ones I "date", huh?

 

[CapBuster49]

Does the MIL know you guys arent on the same page? Threaten her with a Vegas Elope trip. That may change her attitude. If not, I say go to Vegas, do your thing, and come back and have a reception.

Good Luck!

 

[jmiller676]

Does the MIL know you guys arent on the same page? Threaten her with a Vegas Elope trip. That may change her attitude. If not, I say go to Vegas, do your thing, and come back and have a reception.

Good Luck!

Threatening her is not the answer...trust me and she knows we don't like what she is planning on us having.

 

[jmiller676]

Hate to tell you, if they're paying for it, they get to make SOME decisions. The only way you can ensure that you get exactly what you want is to pay for it yourself.

We were able to reduce the scale and grandeur of things, but our wedding still cost over $25k for a 1:00 ceremony and a 3:00 afternoon reception with a buffet meal and bar package for less than 100 guests. It was a catholic wedding. I am an atheist and my wife wasn't practicing. That cost a LOT of money and a LOT of meetings with priests and catechists .

Good luck.

No WAY is ours gonna cost close to that! What kind of booze did you have and what did you eat? 25K!!!!!

 

[printcraft]

MIL is trying to re-live her wedding day through her daughter.

It should be about you and your future wife and no one else.

 

[DanO]

This is about what your soon to be wife wants. It is HER day. If you have communicated this to your MIL and she still wants it all her way or her mom's way, tell her you will take care of it and make your OWN plans.

Sooner or later you are going to have to put on your big boy pants and deal with this woman and her mom. BREAK THE CHAIN! Tell her in a calm voice how things are going to be to make her daugter happy. If she does not go along, pay for it yourself, arrange it how you want and invite them to come for a wonderful time. If they actually refuse to come because it was not "their wedding" then so be it. You are going to have to deal with them and change their behavior eventually, so start it off on the right foot now. Tough love.

Good luck,
DanO

 

[cwillour]

I feel for ya'. I don't have a lot of experience in this (still on my first marriage after 16yrs, so I've only been through it once.) My thoughts going through it were:

1) My opinions and desires about the wedding day do not matter
2) I only need to open when directly asked or if my fiance defers to me to deflect the issue
3) When dealing w/ the MIL & FIL, I am always the 'bad guy'
4) My fiance often did not want me to 'fix' her issues w/ her parents, only to vent (my job was to just shut-up-and-listen)
5) When it was all said and done, the wedding day was for the parents and the bride (with the bride being secondary to the parents) and the honeymoon was 'ours'. For her parents, this was kind of their last chance to really exert firm control over our lives. Once my fiance realized this, everything became easier.

-- In short: be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a mouthpiece only when needed. After that, sit back and enjoy the ride.

 

[raggedoutcummins77]

Good luck with the mil.I also see a jerry springer show.

 

[jmiller676]

This is about what your soon to be wife wants. It is HER day. If you have communicated this to your MIL and she still wants it all her way or her mom's way, tell her you will take care of it and make your OWN plans.

Sooner or later you are going to have to put on your big boy pants and deal with this woman and her mom. BREAK THE CHAIN! Tell her in a calm voice how things are going to be to make her daugter happy. If she does not go along, pay for it yourself, arrange it how you want and invite them to come for a wonderful time. If they actually refuse to come because it was not "their wedding" then so be it. You are going to have to deal with them and change their behavior eventually, so start it off on the right foot now. Tough love.

Good luck,
DanO

The only time I will be able to voice my opinion is when we are married. My fiance is just as frustrated as I am but, since I'm not "family" I can't say anything. So, I just talk it through with the future wifey and let her talk to them.

 

[Mr. Habib]

Your future MIL sounds just like my first wife's mother and aunt. It got so bad with them trying to plan our wedding that she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. We finally had to point out that they weren't paying for it and if they didn't like what we planned, their attendance was optional. Good luck.

 

[DanO]

Quote: "The only time I will be able to voice my opinion is when we are married. My fiance is just as frustrated as I am but, since I'm not "family" I can't say anything. So, I just talk it through with the future wifey and let her talk to them."

I feel for you, but I'm gonna be a guy and shoot you straight. This comes from someone who has been married 23 years and still has a great relationship with his bride, despite her somewhat crazy, disfunctional family.

"Can't say anything" - BS, buddy. You are choosing not to say anything. Maybe because the bride is scared of the reaction from her famiily and doesn't want you to speak up, but that is what they count on as "Family terrorists". It is up to you to break this cycle.

Maybe it's because you don't want them to back out of paying for the wedding. I would counsel you that you will be happier in a smaller ceremony and paying for yourself than to let them call the shots and do these things. If you don't set these boundaries now, you will be paying for the rest of your marriage.

By all means, be kind and diplomatic, but stick up for yourself and your bride. When I do this with my wife's family, she knows it is a loving act and they can heap any displeasure on me, because it is coming from my mouth. Your bride is waiting for you to step in and be the MAN. I am not talking about telling people off, but being firm and drawing boundaries for acceptable behavior toward you as a couple. Of course you can say something, if you choose to do so. If your bride is unhappy, fix it.

You are supposed to be ONE together in things and present a united front against anything outside your marriage. You need to do that now, so get her on board with standing up for yourselves and set the standard for future relations with her family.

Once my wife's family saw that I would not put up with bad behavior but still loved them, we got along great. If they reverted to past behaviors, I would calmly but firmly reassert those boundaries.

Good luck,

DanO

 

[ralphb72]

That's funny DanO. I had to look and see if I was on the joke of the day thread.

I still say run. Get out of it while you can. You don't want to sell me death sticks, You want to go home and re-think your life.

 

[jmiller676]

That's funny DanO. I had to look and see if I was on the joke of the day thread.

I still say run. Get out of it while you can. You don't want to sell me death sticks, You want to go home and re-think your life.

You don't have someone that loves you do you?

 

[radar44]

our wedding cost $8oo total -didn't even "have" to get married.... 20+++ yrs. a go the wedding means nothing (just don't say that out loud ) grin and go

 

[ralphb72]

You don't have someone that loves you do you?

Probably not. I have been married for over 27 years so I know quite a bit about what I'm speaking.

 

[DanO]

Ralph!! I am so sorry! You have been married 27 years and you think you probably don't have someone who loves you?!! Maybe it's just your outlook on life and they really do love you. Follow your heart, big guy.....

 

[mrortega]

Boy, I'm a little worried that your fiance is so upset. That shows that she is still very vulnerable to doing what mommy wants. If she was more mature she would not be struggling with what makes mom happy. This could be a HUGE problem in your relationship. I think you are strong enough to tell momsie how it's going to be but what about your sweet punkin? I see a lot of strife for your future wife and it could strain your marriage.

 

[jmiller676]

Boy, I'm a little worried that your fiance is so upset. That shows that she is still very vulnerable to doing what mommy wants. If she was more mature she would not be struggling with what makes mom happy. This could be a HUGE problem in your relationship. I think you are strong enough to tell momsie how it's going to be but what about your sweet punkin? I see a lot of strife for your future wife and it could strain your marriage.

The issue is mommy has been controlling her whole life. She is upset because she is tired of her mom telling her what she can/can't do. Her mom will say one thing to her then by hypocritical the next second. It is very straining on the mind if you would hear some of the things her mother says. Her mother was controlled by her mother. It's a chain and she does want out the problem we have is the future MIL trying to make this her(MIL) wedding to please her mom.

 

[hooky]

The advice you got about laying out boundaries while still being a caring person is the best advice you'll get IMO.

If you don't firmly, but politely set the ground rules now, you'll have this issue for the rest of your marriage. It will always be there and your wife to be will constantly have these feelings. You may live a distance away for now, but who knows when that will change?

 

[nipprdog]

Then she wants one of her friends to do the photography when we have somebody in mind who is a professional.

Even if you have to pay for it, hire the proffesional. To many family friend 'wannabe wedding shooters' out there. And most aren't quailfied to be doing weddings.