Going out?

[Walter Zoomie]

Ok. So I’m going to go to the corner Speedway station a block away to get some gas and smokes and a pack a Juicy Fruit. I know I gotta pack a rod, but the question is…do I go concealed or out in the open in front of God and his son Barack and everybody?

I decide to go concealed, because possible confrontation scares me…but which piece? Will it be my gold-plated Baby Desert Eagle, or my dayglo-pink Glock?

I decide on the Glock, because I’m feeling a little frisky and silly this morning, but now, I gotta decide on which kinda rig I’m gonna use to conceal and wear my gaily colored Glock. Should I go with the black nylon Uncle Mike’s shoulder holster with spare magazine pouch under a light jacket, or should I use my Gucci horsehide and rhinestone-studded pancake holster which hooks nicely on my pants belt and can be covered with my oversized tie-dyed commemorative 2004 Indy 500 t-shirt?

I decide on the shoulder holster because A) I can carry a spare magazine, and you never know when the ****’s gonna hit the fan or Al Qaeda’s gonna show up at one of the convenient stores of Speedway, B) It’s just always more cooler to carry spare ammo and extra kit so you look like a private operator in Iraq if someone accidentally sees your stuff under your jacket, and, 3) I heard somebody make fun of Uncle Mike’s products. Uncle Mike is a close personal friend of mine and he’ll kick your ass too!

Next, I gotta figure out what I’m gonna do if I get pulled over by the cops on the way to Speedway, or, if there’s cops inside the Speedway flirting with the cashiers and getting free stuff and they see my gun…how am I gonna handle myself? What if they ask me about why I have a gun, or if I have a permit? Am I gonna get all uppity and say, “ ‘Cuz it’s my God-given Constitutional right, Barney. I KNOW you don’t have a problem with that…right? Am I free to go now? Am I free to go now? Am I free to go now? Am I free to go now? Am I free to go now? Am I free to go now?”

Or, am I gonna be all nervous and shaky and polite and cooperative and patronizing and say, “Hi, Officer! I’m carrying a gun this morning! Yes sir, here’s my gun and ammo, LTCH, drivers license, social security card, a pint of blood, my nubile teenaged daughter, and…did you know that on December 14, 1984, I smoked some weed and tore the tags off of a new mattress…and…say, that’s a lovely shiny badge you have there. Did you shine it yourself? Thank you for your service. May I sniff your holster?”

I decide, “To hell with it. I’ll go out tomorrow.”

Who knew going to the convenient stores of Speedway would be such a hassle and require so many decisions to be made? Certainly not me before I became a gun nutter. I blame George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Halliburton, and Big Oil.

Thank God for his son, and that he will soon save us all and take care of us and fix all our problems. Heck, before too long, we won’t even need our guns any more, and we can just turn them in and be all happy and ****…

That’s what I think will happen anyways.

[FONT=&quot]Maybe.[/FONT]

 

[Scutter01]

 

[MACHINEGUN]

Lol...

You are too funny man. You going to add this writing to your blog?

 

[VN Vet]

Mr. Walter Zoomie, I would think twice about going out wearing Maggies Drawers too.
Next time take Maggie with you and let her wear Her Drawers. LOL

Too cool a post my friend.

 

[Seancass]

once you buy the matress, it's ok to tear the tag off. You're on your own for the rest of that.

 

[ATM]

You should always OC the gold-plated Baby Desert Eagle.

"Nobody puts Baby in the corner." - Johnny

 

[Hiram2005]

If I was him I would just order my juicy fruit off the "net" and stay in the house.......

 

[Indy_Guy_77]

Real men chew Winterfresh.

-J-

 

[rw02kr43]

Zoomie

Hello. thanks for telling me about this site. I see your way of writing is awesome no matter where you go. Maybe

Jason

 

[Walter Zoomie]

Hah!

Opened my mail today and got my lifetime LTCH and a free copy of Wayne LaPierre's The Essential Second Amendment Guide!

Just might take the boys to Eagle Creek to shoot the pistols this weekend.

I've threatened to take my Canadian boss, who is from Canada and who has never even held a fire arm before, to EC to teach him how to shoot as well.

Bring on the Red hordes!

 

[Walter Zoomie]

Hello. thanks for telling me about this site. I see your way of writing is awesome no matter where you go. Maybe

Jason

Welcome, bro. Good group of knowledgeable gun-nutters here. Don't be afraid to ask lots of questions. They'll only giggle at you a little...

Also...my writing is not so much awesome as it is a demented stream of semi-consciousness.

Or something.

Maybe.

 

[USMC_0311]

Love the maggie drawers. Its amazing how many shooters don't know what that means. I had some good times in the Maggie Drawers e-club at Stone Bay.

 

[Walter Zoomie]

All-righty then...

I'm off work today so I can go out with my new permit and take care of some gun stuff and be cool. Sorta.

I throw the unloaded S&W .38 snubby into the car and head over to WallyWorld to make an ammo purchase. I need some 9mm ball and hollow points, some .22 long rifle, and some .38 ball and HPs for that empty snubby.

WallyWorld has everything but the HP 38s. Great. So I spend too much cash on ammo, then head over to Kinkos to get my LTCH copied/laminated.

Retard at the counter tells me he can't copy the license on pink paper because it's a form of ID. I say ********...call the State Police, Sparky. He starts to get all uppity, and I start to feel the urge to leap over the counter and gut him like a carp...but I don't...because I am a man of peace...like Gandhi...or Mandela...and I forgot my knife...so I tell him to just laminate the original and be done with it.

Soon, he is finished spitting on me while he talks and laminating my license and taking my $1.34...and I am on my way to Beech Grove Firearms to see if they have any rubber, Pachmyr-type grips for my snubby because aftermarket grips are uber-cool and the factory/stock wooden grips are too small for my massive hands...and you all know what massive hands mean...

Beech Grove Firearms didn't have any grips in stock, but we work out a super secret deal for some later, which I can't tell you about here now, and I buy some 38 HP rounds from them because they are groovy.

The guys in the shop are cool, even though they just about wore out my snubby as they looked at it and told me its glorious history and stuff.

They tried to sell me one of those new-fangled plastic or ceramic guns, but I would have none of it. I politely told them that it would be improper and imprudent for me to purchase a firearm made out of the same material as my mom's potted geranium container.

Then, I stole a butt-load of BeechGrove Firearms stickers and window decals, and I ran out of the store dodging a hail of gunfire. I was not wounded, thankfully, because the guys at BGFA are kinda like The Gang That Can't Shoot Straight. Maybe. It was worth it, though, because the entire world knows you rock and are cool when you have a BGFA sticker on your rig!

Now you know how my day out went.

How was your day?

 

[RogerB]

All-righty then...

Now you know how my day out went.

How was your day?

lmao dull by comparison...

 

[Walter Zoomie]

Man...I hate Halloween. I mean, except for hawt chicks dressing up even hawter for the occasion, Halloween has historically sucked for me.

I once got fired from an admittedly ****** job on a Halloween afternoon. That was fun explaining to the new wife at the time...

Now, I think Halloween aggravates me because strangers I don't even know come on to my property and expect me to give them **** I paid for...for free.

Halloween is kinda like a micro-organism of this country.

Maybe.

Anyhoo...here at the Zoomie homestead, we have rules for the proper conduct and execution of Halloween festivities.

I will enumerate those rules for you now:

A) You must knock on the front door. You can't just stand there, and expect me to derrick my fat ass outta the recliner to answer an un-knocked-upon door. Otherwise, you and I are gonna just stare at each other through the window of the storm door...and very much of that is gonna make me reach for a weapon of some sort.

B) You must clearly state your intent when I answer the door by exclaiming, "TRICK OR TREAT!" ...in a loud, boisterous, enthusiastic, and commanding manner. Do not whisper. I might get aroused. Nobody wants that. The amount and quality of sugary snacks I pour into your goodies bag is directly proportional to the quality of your statement of intent.

C) You must be in costume. If you look like a big bowl of ass-soup, you will walk away candy-less. The explanation of, "I'm disguised as a mouthy teen-ager," will not apply.

D) You must be of appropriate age. If you need a shave or a Midol, you will be turned away.

5) If you receive a sugary largess from me, a "Thank You" is in order and always appropriate and appreciated. If I don't get one, I will try to pry a "Thank You" from you by saying "You're Welcome" in a sarcastic tone. It's the way I roll. Polite and mannered youth are appreciated.

6) If you are turned away for any reason, by either me or the wife, a hasty and silent retreat off the premises is highly recommended. I will not hesitate to follow you and assist you in your efforts to vacate my property. I am not a scared and cowering homeowner intimidated by angry and disgruntled youth. The sooner you know that, the better.

I have been known to patrol the grounds long after the time for official Halloween festivities has ended.

One just never knows how many disgruntled former candy beggars are out there lurking in the shadows...waiting to smash your punkin or soap your windows or set the barn afire.

Yep.

Halloween sucks.

Pretty much.

 

[Hiram2005]

HHHMMMM... you write and sound like Connor. And that's a good thing.

 

[hountzmj]

Man I thought your stuff over on Trackform was funny! Glad to see you are on our side. I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff.

--hountzmj

 

[Walter Zoomie]

In case you didn't know, the folks at the Eagle Creek range are about the coolest and grooviest ever!

I took my sons out there today, and, for some reason, we were treated like royalty!

It has been a wonderful experience to shoot at Eagle Creek. The staff and patrons are cool. There are no hot dogs or rednecks or dumb-asses with firearms as far as I have seen.

You will feel quite welcomed and comfortable shooting there.

Now, I smell like gunpowder and BreakFree.

I love those smells.

They bring back many memories.

 

[JcJ]

There are no hot dogs or rednecks or dumb-asses with firearms as far as I have seen.

Sorry we missed you guys. I recognize your kids but you must have been wearing your urban cammo..

Maybe next time, huh..

You will feel quite welcomed and comfortable shooting there.

yeah, that's why you got stuck next door...

------------>

 

[Walter Zoomie]

Damn, bro. Sorry I missed you. I looked for your ugly mug...honest...but didn't see you.

The main range was full at the time we arrived, so they put us next door...all by our lonesome.

It was cool too.

I hope to get back in a week or two when I take my firearms virgin boss out and show him the ropes.